Can we first admit that this s@*% is HARD!
It’s probably one of the realest adulting scenarios you can be in and due to the fact that it involves children, there is little margin for acting up. Lets then combine this with the fact that you have to walk this walk with someone that you’ve realised is not for you and may have the ability to awaken your dark side! Alongside the fact that we’re dealing with your actual heartbeats in human form, if anything can trigger me to fling away all self-growth it’s my irrational Mama-Bear ego. So this is not actually a how-to, cos Lord knows I have not yet qualified for that! It is however a true and open how and why of my co-parenting journey and maybe it will resonate, maybe it will help.
What is Co-Parenting??? It’s a label that’s thrown around quite a lot nowadays and sometimes I think - is EVERYONE co-parenting?! When I break it down, this is my interpretation:
“Two parents who have decided not to be together anymore, but still share equal responsibility in raising the kids and their day to day lives.”
This sounds pretty straightforward and obvious, but trust me the communication and the maturity this takes can be ALOT. I’ve got x4 kids and once I knew the marriage was over my immediate thought was - we’ve broken up, but how can we navigate this in a way that won’t break them? The best way I could see was to not deprive, ration or cut off their relationship with their dad. What had gone on between us was nothing to do with the kids, so why would I drag them into the middle of it to assuage my own pain…
We’re conditioned through movies, songs, family, friends to react a certain way when a relationship ends (especially if you feel you have been “wronged”), but I quickly decided that the bitter, black woman was not a label I wanted, I knew it wouldn’t benefit me or my kids. They feel happiest and safest when we are all together as a family and that’s what I wanted for them - to feel happy and safe. I also knew I was genuinely going to be alright so I didn’t need to act out. I’ll admit, in the beginning I went slightly overboard with this theory and blurred the lines just to reassure them (and myself) that we were GOOD, better in fact. However, through (a lot of) trial and error there are certain boundaries established which just make it more straightforward and cut out a lot of the emotion and ego to this co-parenting business. It’s about the kids.
My set up might be a little more involved than some, as my kid’s schedules are wild but everyone has to find their own rhythm and level of comfortability. School runs and activities are shared, meetings, football matches and performances - we’ll try our best to all be there unless another kid has something on the same day! Birthdays are organised together and days out all together are nice if the vibe is right. Cos let’s be honest, the vibe is not always right. We’re human and flawed ones at that, so there is always plenty to bang heads about, but regardless of how I’m feeling I know I have to communicate concerning the children.
I’m not trying to struggle unnecessarily, I’m fortunate to have the help and support to raise x4 amazing humans so imma take the help! Ultimately I believe co-parenting is a choice. I want to give my kids the most stable, secure and loving environment I can without having to split them in two, for this reason I choose to be cool with their dad cos he’s the missing component that can fulfil this in their lives.
Is it easy - Hell No! Listen, I recorded a podcast the other day, spouting off about how important a good co-parenting relationship is - only to come home to a scenario that made me lose my s&%@ - Sod’s Law.
Will I keep trying - 100% yes.
Come on Mamas, you got this..
Sherine x
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