Let me take you back a few years to the catalyst of my "re-birth" I hadn't journaled for years prior, but something in me knew I was at a crossroads and needed to document exactly how I was feeling....
Wednesday 15th July 2020
Lockdown has eased a bit but haven’t told the kids as we’re still in a “financial lockdown" and have no money to go anywhere.
On Monday he said “I don’t want to try”. The intimate side of our relationship is over and he has no interest in trying to revive or resurrect it. Maybe he said it before but I never heard it. I heard it on Monday and I’ve felt like I’m trying to stop my insides from falling out ever since.
Not sure why cos I knew we were done. Not sure why the pain has suddenly been turned up to 100, not sure why the feelings of rejection and failure are threatening to wash me away. Maybe it’s because I still had hope. I still hoped, dreamed, imagined that “one day” we’d just figure it out and be in love again. How? I run away from every conversation, don’t treat him anything like I want to be treated and allow every compliment I want to pay him to get stuck in my throat.
Not sure what to do now. We haven’t slept together for nearly 2.5yrs, he sleeps on the sofa. Where did I think it was going to go… Do I just focus on the kids? Do I focus on him hoping it’s not too late? I have no energy. My instinct tells me it’s time to focus on me and find myself again but I’m so lost. So far gone, I have no clue where to begin looking..
What makes me happy, what brings me joy, what motivates me - I have no idea. I want to “do the work” but I don’t know where to start. I feel like I’m drowning and watching everyone else playing and relaxing on the sand - how do I get on the bloody sand?
He wants to stay "working together" for the kids which is essentially what we’ve been doing anyway for the last couple of years. No divorce, no separation, no intimacy. I get it on a logical level, it makes perfect sense and will cause the least amount of disruption all round. But realistically… I don’t know if my level of emotional wellbeing is sufficient, I don’t know if I’m mature enough to be part of an agreement like that. I don’t know if my heart is strong enough to withstand the implications.
I do still love him. I would love to be in a loving, intimate relationship with him, but I understand his (and my) need to be free. Free from the responsibility of each other. Free to do what makes you happy, what brings you joy and what inspires you. All being well, this should/ would involve the person you’re in “partnership” with, but as I mentioned earlier - I don’t know the answers to any of these questions regarding myself.
He has taken an interest in looking inwards at himself. Whilst I was still in a zombified, religious, mum-fog, He was learning, growing and changing. Did he try to include me - yes. I was too exhausted/irritated/busy to participate or take an interest. So he did it alone and now he’s free. I’m envious and scared.
Why would he/anyone want to be with someone who doesn’t even know how to genuinely be happy? That’s not attractive or appealing, I know this.
I love to dance. When I dance I feel like me…
A couple of days later I found out that he had already started sleeping with someone else and had sexual encounters with other women. That was the bomb that shattered everything...
I would love to tell you that it was something more worthy or spiritual that caused me to find myself again, but the truth is much more superficial - plain ol' Ego!
Ever heard the saying "I aint goin out like that" ??? That was me.
I started working out, started dancing again, called up the handful of friends who had been patiently hanging in there with me. Rediscovered my love of colour and clothes, started reading again and really looked at myself. That was the hardest part. I think as women, we sometimes get so busy then use the busyness as an excuse not to look at ourselves and work on our issues - I definitely did.
Ultimately I am supremely grateful for the marriage crash - I would never have taken the time to work on myself otherwise and would not be who I am today - which is someone I (and quite a few others) like!
Slow down Sis, tend to yourself, then your relationships and make sure you're able to give them your best self. I share this to let anyone going through something similar know - You WILL make it. You're not alone and you're stronger than you think.
It's a mahoosive cliché but - "Self Love is the Best Love"
Sherine x
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